


I'm Tired

by Karinakamichi



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), fma 2003
Genre: Drinking, F/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, fma 2003 - Freeform, self-harming roy, self-harming roy mustang, suicidal roy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-01 04:59:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12697851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karinakamichi/pseuds/Karinakamichi
Summary: Roy Mustang was tired; tired of having nightmares, tired of seeing the blood of those he'd killed on his hands, tired of feeling unworthy of his position. Tired of everything.





	1. Chapter 1

Roy Mustang was tired; tired of having nightmares, tired of seeing the blood of those he'd killed on his hands, tired of feeling unworthy of his position. Tired of everything.

No matter what he did, there was never a time when he wasn't tortured by memories of the faces of the many people he'd killed, whether it be the two doctors that had only been doing what they thought was right in helping those that were injured, or even children who had done nothing to deserve it their fate.

And Roy knew he deserved every bit of guilt he felt. But that acceptance didn't ease his burden at all. Not that it was meant to, of course.

"Sir?" The voice of his lieutenant snapped him out of his thoughts that day. Her eyes met his, seeming to see through him. She remained stoic, but she undoubtedly had noticed that he hadn't been aware of her presence.

He was slightly startled at first, but regained his composure.

"Oh, Hawkeye. What is it?" He asked.

"I have the papers you requested." She told him, retaining all level of professionalism.

"I see. Just set them on the desk. I'll get to them shortly." Roy then said, with a sigh.

"Sir, if you don't mind me asking, are you feeling alright?"

Roy averted his gaze at Riza's question. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just didn't sleep that well last night. But it's nothing to worry about. I'm just tired."

It wasn't a lie.

"I see. Can I get you anything?" Whether Riza had believed him or not, Roy didn't know, but he didn't want to be in Riza's presence at the moment when he was sure he didn't look that well, and his act wasn't convincing in the slightest.

"No, it's fine."

"Sir, with all due respect, I-"

"I said I'm fine, Hawkeye. You should leave." Roy told her, looking anywhere but her. He couldn't face her when she was so worried about him. He didn't deserve it.

She couldn't even bring herself to speak after that point. She bit back everything she wanted to say, bowing and leaving without a word.


	2. Chapter 2

Riza knew that Roy was not "fine". Nobody in their right mind in the military were 'okay'. Of course, there were ones like Kimblee who loved war and destruction, and ones like Basque Grand who were, without a doubt, happy to be in charge and lead people to their destruction, but there were also ones like herself, Roy, Jean Havoc and some of the other men that worked under Roy's command and were there in the hopes of making things better.

Riza had remained professional, but now she couldn't take it, couldn't stand Roy keeping everything to himself. No to mention that she was his Lieutenant. It was her _job_  to make sure he was okay and to protect him, and the nerve of him just telling her to leave...! She had noticed the signs of depression, had been noticing them for a while and had tried to ignore them for months, not sure how to approach him or if she should, but there had been several times she had found him asleep when he was supposed to be filling out paper work, so she knew she needed to confront him about it, before he did something stupid.

However, as she was about to enter the room again, a voice suddenly stopped her. "How's it going, Hawkeye?"

It was Huhges. She looked up, raising her hand to her forehead.

"Lieutenant Colonel." she greeted in respect. "I'm doing fine. And you?"

"Gracia, my darling, is as precious as ever, and Elisia played her first kick ball game today, so I'm better than ever! You want to see the pictures?!" He smiled, already pulling out some pictures. Riza figured it would be rude to pass it up, so she let him show her the pictures, but she couldn't bring herself to pay attention for long.

The question wouldn't stop nagging at her, Roy wouldn't do something questionable would he? Perhaps it was just her being paranoid, but, without a doubt, Roy had asked her something really worrisome recently. But she wanted to remain prideful as to remain professional and in character.

_"Riza, what would you do if I died?" The question had came out of nowhere. At first, she didn't even know how to answer. So instead, she asked a question of her own._

_"...Why do you ask?"_

_"No reason. Actually, I wonder myself."_

_She couldn't say anything at that point, because The Fuhrer's secretary knocked on door to the room to deliver some papers. Of course, it wasn't like Riza would have known what to say if she had been give the chance, and it wasn't as if she hadn't wondered the same thing before._

The question had not been brought up since.

She felt sick with dread, just thinking about it.

"By the way, I couldn't help but notice you looked a little glum." Hughes' expression became understanding, as he knocked her out of her rumination, like he was reading her thoughts. Before she could say anything, he whispered closer, as not to let anybody hear.

"It's Roy, isn't it?"


	3. Chapter 3

(No matter how I wrote this section, it just didn't sound right to me, but I swear I tried.)

"How did you know, sir?" Riza asked. She always knew Hughes was pretty perceptive, but knew he couldn't read minds, so there had to be more to it.

"I guess you could say I've grown used to used to his ways." Hughes said, leaving it vague on purpose. He spoke as quietly as possible to keep others from hearing.  
Riza didn't press any further. Without thinking, they had moved over away from the door. She figured that since Roy and him were friends, it would only be right for her to tell him a bit of what she had been noticing.  
"The Colonel's been depressed for a while now, but he won't talk about it at all. He asked me something really worrying the other day, and I didn't know how to respond..."

"Yeah, that sounds like him..." Hughes sighed, thinking about his friend. "You'll have to try to be patient with him, but you may have to knock sense into him, by being blunt. Of course, I'm sure you'd know that considering your own past with him. Speaking of which, I was going to invite you and him out this evening to go drinking with me and some of the other officers. Think you're in?"

As he smiled, she felt inclinced to pass, but then an idea came to mind. While she usually didn't drink or go out to bars, she had to admit that might be good to get her mind off of work for an evening, and for Roy to get out as well and do something with their friends. And she would refuse to let Roy pass it up, when it was something he needed.

"Sure. Thank you for the offer, Lieutenant Colonel."

"No problem." he smirked, before placing a hand on her shoulder. "And hey, I won't ask what it was that he said that has you so worried, but if you decide that you feel comfortable talking about it, I'll be here to listen, okay? And I guarantee that it will just be between us."

Riza managed a small smile, bowing. "I'll keep that in mind, sir."

She wanted to tell him what Roy had asked her, the words he had spoke, but the main thing stopping her was apprehension. She may have trusted Huhges, but she couldn't risk what could happen if he thought Roy was suicidal. It wasn't like she was even worried about Hughes himself, but was worried about what the military itself would do if they somehow found out. She couldn't put Roy through that.

"Alright, anyway, I've got some business to take care of, but I'll be sure to drop by later to talk to him, once the boys have stopped arguing about meet up. See you later, Hawkeye." He waved a bit, his back now towards her.

When he was out of her hearing range and she was re-entering Roy's office, he lowered his gaze with a saddened and all-knowing expression.

* * *

 

  
(Roy may be a handful, but we can't help but love the guy. ;))   
Sorry this is so short, I can only write so much at a time, and if I've got it written, why stall on posting it?)


	4. Chapter 4

Riza entered the room to see that Roy was, surprisingly working on his paperwork. He didn't look up.

"I thought I told you to leave." The Flame Alchemist said, but not in a tone that was telling her to get out again. He was more just _surprised_ she came back.

"I refuse to leave, sir." She said without hesitation. She knew she was pushing her boundaries, but she had no apologies.

"Excuse me?" Once again, he wasn't as irritated as much as he was baffled, by her willingness to be blunt and straight forward with him. This was honestly a little new to him. He would expect something like this with Hughes, but Riza? Sure, she had always been fairly blunt, but rarely this straightforward. But, somehow, he had always respected this side of her. Still, it was a little frustrating to be around her when he wasn't in the best states of mind at the moment.

"It's my job to stay by your side and make sure you're safe, so I intend to do just that." She told him. Of course, she was also here because she wanted to be, but she didn't say that aloud.

"...You're something else, you know that?" Roy then muttered, sighing. There was a sad amusement in his tone. Sometimes, he honestly did wonder what she saw in him. Actually, he knew what she saw in him to a degree, but he didn't understand why she found the respect for him that she did. He wasn't innocent by any means, and had killed so many people in his life. His hands were forever stained with blood. How could anybody see him in a positive light after everything he had done?

"I appreciate your compliment." Riza replied. She figured that he was probably wondering why she wanted to stay by his side, but it was simply something she wanted to do. Did something like that really need an explanation? Riza had devoted her life to being by his side to help him achieve his goal, and she was content doing just that. However, that wasn't to say she was just blindly following him. She looked up to and genuinely respected, dare say loved, him because she knew that Roy wasn't a bad person, even though he had done things he was ashamed of, just like she herself had done things she wasn't proud of either.

Not much was said after that for a while, as Roy tried to focus on filling out the paper work, and giving his signatures on things that required it. However, it started to feel tedious and he became nervous and unable to sit still. His anxiety was screwing with him right now, as he found it impossible to focus on one single thing anymore. He needed to take some time to release his pent up frustration. He was aware that his coping mechanism wasn't exactly a "healthy" way to deal with things, but in times like these, when he couldn't stop thinking about the past; and couldn't focus on what he needed to be focused on, seeing his own blood was the only thing he knew of that could ease the anxiety, albeit temporarily. It was better than lashing out at somebody else, after all.

He pulled away from the desk, and got up, heading towards the door.

"Hawkeye, I'm going to the restroom. If anybody needs me, I'll be back in about fifteen minutes." He looked back.

"Right." She said, before he exited the rooms.

\---

I wanted to write more, but I literally can't think right now. I'll try to post more tomorrow if possible. Sorry.


End file.
